Not knowing what to expect is one of the hardest things for me to embrace. As someone who was born wanting to be in control (every woman in my family is this way- I couldn’t help it!) embarking in a stage of life where I have no control is actually terrifying for me.
The first time I went to Haiti I fell in love. I was so close to my Father and I felt my heart come alive. I told God I wanted to be challenged. I wanted to depend on Him solely. I told Him I wanted to be brave.
It’s so funny how time changes things and feelings. As the months ticked away for me to move to Haiti, where I had once felt joy and excitement I began to feel the attacks of the enemy set in which revolved around fear and doubt. Fear of not being enough. Fear of not being loved. Doubt that I didn’t have the courage to do this. As I fly away from North Carolina which holds all the people I love so dearly I continue to have doubt, but I know Jesus wants to meet me there. He wants to join forces with me to crush the enemy, and he wants to destroy the lies I’ve been believing. Even if I’m not enough Jesus is. Even if I’m not loved Jesus loves me. Even if I don’t have the courage Jesus does.
Today I am leaving for an adventure. I’m filled with every emotion under the sun. I’m so thankful God is using me and writing this journey into my story, and although my flesh fells and I fall to fear at times I am choosing to close my eyes and keep moving forward because I know God is walking right beside me and he is pleased with my small effort to be His hands and feet.
“I used to pray that God would feed the hungry, or do this or that, but now I pray that he will guide me to do whatever I’m supposed to do, what I can do. I used to pray for answers, but now I’m praying for strength. I used to believe that prayer changes things, but now I know that prayer changes us and we change things.” – Mother Teresa